From the second I held him in my arms and looked at that sweet little face I think I must have silently vowed to never leave his side. That I would never let him fall, fix whatever needed fixing, feed him every meal & snack, I would kiss every single boo-boo, wipe away his tears, read him any book he wanted, play whatever he wanted to play, do whatever I needed to do to get him to smile, tuck him in every night & see him every morning. What I quickly found out was that I wasn't the only person who could do that. His first time away from home he was still an infant and he was fine and I couldn't believe it! The person(s) I left him with did everything that I vowed that I would do and it didn't seem to phase him much that it wasn't me. It hurt a little that someone other than myself did just fine.
As the months went by I watched him when he first started to crawl and when he took his first steps all on his own. It was amazing and I was happy to be there and realized that this was just the beginning of him taking baby steps away from me. It hurt my heart to know that my baby was now a toddler. Years went by and that toddler turned into a big brother not once but twice and now all of a sudden he's a pre-schooler. WHAT?!?!? How could that possibly be that time went by so fast and it went by so easily?
I have loved him since the day I saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test. To just let him out of the car and into his teacher's care so quickly just seems so wrong to me. I had to do it though I have to let him go. He's not my little baby boy anymore and he will only grow bigger, stronger, & smarter with each passing day. I hope with time that it will get easier to let him go into the world. My head understands that he needs to live the life that is meant for him, the one that God has in store. My heart though, my heart is just screaming out to him to stay, to pout or cry about having to leave, something anything to let me know he feels the same way. He doesn't though he jumps out of his seat gives me a kiss and says,"Good bye mommy see you later!" he turns and jumps out closes the door and he never looks back.
One thought goes through my head while driving through the carpool lane:"He is leaving me now but he will always come back to me. I am his mommy and I always will be and no one can take that away." Chase and Dean are waving good bye to their big brother and I'm already dreading the day that they start school too. I push that thought out of my head and start to sing a song with my little fellas while we drive to the store with a feeling of total and complete gratitude, and love for all the Lord has blessed me with in my life.
